Premier Team News on Banbridge Thistle F.C.

Due to the success of the Banbridge Thistle side this year and their almost certain rise into the third division the club has revealed plans for a new stadium. The stadium will incorporate four stands as well as a state of the art training centre. The plans are laid out below.

The stands will be named as shown :>

North Stand - The John Campbell and Paul Dunlop Stand - This will be named as shown due to the fact that any time the ball ends up in it you can bet your life one of these two will have kicked it.

• South Stand - The Jimmy Lockhart (can't) Stand (after four pints)
• East Stand - The Barrie Jordan Stand - Because this is where I would have been standing if I had not moved club.
• West Stand - The Craig Stand - This stand will be split into two tiers.
• Lower tier - The Philip Craig stand - because it will always be full to bursting
• Upper tier - The Greg Craig stand - Because it will be slightly unstable

As yet a name for the new stadium hasn't been decided but going by past experiences the stadium will probably be named "Captain Pugwash's Stadium Of Everlasting Hope" before being changed a year later by popular demand to Thistle Park

Famous FBI agents Mulder and Scully have been called in to investigate the X-File that is the selection committee. Problems have arisen with this selection scheme because nobody actually knows actually knows who is in it and nobody will claim to be in it. The committee has been described as some as a bizarre cult which only let's in the most twisted of people (that would explain some of the decisions) others say that there is no such group and that selection takes care of itself. Who knows what will come of this investigation but one thing is for sure the truth is out there.

Thistle Seconds manager Paul Dunlop has been rocked by suggestions that his team is trying to intimidate other teams through their line up. In the past few weeks many have accused Dunlop of being a racist as he continues to play the KKK connection in midfield. When asked Dunlop refused to comment on the decision to name Clive Kerrigan, Geordie Kidd and Kyle Trimble. Many people in the town believe that Dunlop wishes to sound out a warning before the kick off by this careless team selection. Maybe that is true or perhaps it is just a coincidence.

It has today been revealed that Banbridge Thistle manager Harry Shannon has been linked with the current vacant Wednesday job. Players are believed to be worried that if Harry was to take this job it would leave them in the lurch. A club official today said "Harry already works 5 days a week and we believe that if he takes the job he won't have the time to manage us. We are trying to talk him out of the position but the £3.50 an hour shelf filling position on Wednesday nights looks set to tempt the manager away."

Banbridge Thistle can owe their success to a series of wishes made in the new wishing well in Jim Lockhart's garden or at least those are the claims the former manager is making. Lockhart who many believe is jealous of current manager Harry Shannon's success claims that he has been woke at all hours of the morning by teammates using his garden not only as a toilet but also as a some kind of lucky charm. He claims that his wishing well has attracted many visitors and he says that he has seen both Shannon and Dunlop the second team manager trying their luck (obviously Paul Dunlop through down an Irish coin). Lockhart quoted "My well has now been opened to the public all donations will go towards building a spaceship to reunite Lombardo with his family after a bid to surprise surprise failed". Other wishes at the well saw Paul Dunlop wishing for a win, John Campbell wishing for a right foot and new heavier footballs which don't float over the bar to be introduced, Philip Craig wishing for Mitch's club dues and Damian Wilson wishing for a plate of pork chops.

In the recent derby match at Cheney park against Banbridge Crusaders the football world was shocked as John Campbell brought the game to a halt after receiving a toe job. Campbell received the broken toe after mistaking a Crusaders players ankle for the ball an easy mistake to make (If you are John). This will create problems for Thistle as John is one of the few left footed players at the club. Club officials say that John will miss several games with the injury and that it will be a big loss. But hey you can't get anywhere in this world without meeting a liar somewhere.

New second team manager Paul Dunlop has finally began to crack under the stress and strain of his new role. Dunlop can now be seen modeling the receding hairline and grey hair common of all managers. When approached Dunlop refused to comment but while he walked away he was heard mumbling about Just For Men. We will keep you in touch with any developments in this story as time goes on.

Today George Weah snubbed the big money offer of Banbridge Thistle to stay at AC Milan. Thistle had tabled an ambitious bid to capture the European Footballer of the Year but a club spokesman for Milan today confirmed that Weah was staying with this statement:

"Well we talked things over with George and we have made it clear to him that Milan want to keep him at all costs. He has just today signed a new three year contract. We believe we here at Milan can guarantee George the success he thrives for".

Thistle however have not given up on the chance to sign the classy international. A club spokesman today said:

"As far as we are concerned Weah has not knocked us back yet. We believe that we can guarantee him the Mid Ulster Fourth Division trophy and some glory days in the cup".

The situation therefore remains unclear with Thistle remaining hopeful to the end.

Thistle Star Riki McAnearney has today been cautioned by the club to sort out his act. McAnearney a fan favorite and an idol to the local kids has been accused of setting a bad example to the fans. McAnearney who recently commented in the fanzine that fans should "Stay out of the pink with ciggies and drink".

Thistles selection committee are rumoured to have dropped the star but Riki claims that his departure from the side is due to shin splints and that in recent weeks he has been playing through the pain barrier. McAnearney can't however cover up his lifestyle which is composed solely of Drink, Fags and Girls. As a result the stars reputation has taken a battering and it will take a lot of convincing for McAnearney to get the Thistle Faithful back on his side.

John Campbell skipper an influential player of Banbridge Thistle F.C. is this week being rumoured to be engaging in a fiery relationship with an unknown woman. As the situation stands Campbell has refused to comment on the mystery woman or the alleged relationship. Sources close to Campbell have however said:

"John has reached the point in his life when he just wants to settle down. John has indeed met a woman whose name we won't expose".

Thistle stars this week have read more into the situation Lockhart was quoted as saying:

"That sneaky gypsy he's on to a good thing the least he could do was share her about a bit".

Campbell however denies all allegations but his form has taken a dip an his energy levels have been low lately read into that what you will.

Banbridge Thistle players received an unexpected guest at training last week when an alien arrived all kitted out and ready to play. T he alien who goes by the name of Lombardo arrived last Tuesday. Players refused to comment on this bizarre story but an insider did say:

"As we stepped out on to the pitch there was a strange bright light this itself would have been strange except the pitch is floodlit. We were approached by this baldy thing who slurred his speech but we could just make out that he wanted to play. We let him play and that was it he's been here ever since".

If this exclusive proves to be true Thistle will have become the first football club to actually play an alien. Well stranger things have happened.

It has been discovered within the last few weeks that Jim Lockhart influential committee member and midfielder of Banbridge Thistle has been suffering from Amnesia.

This seems to have only developed after he met his new girlfriend and the two are believed to be connected. Lockhart has been spotted time and time again parking at the wrong house for hours on end and even going into the wrong house. Worried friends have told us that he has not been sleeping in his own bed and they are concerned about him. We will keep you updated on this story as we get more information.